By Dr. Jonathan E. Westfall
(Totally a real Dr… Just not a Medical one…)
Cupcakes Are Your Savior
So you’re fat. How do I know that? Well because you’re reading a diet book. Well, I guess you might just want something interesting to read while on vacation, or perhaps you know me personally and are curious about this whole Diet book thing.
But I’d like to think you’re fat, because I’m fat, and we all know from pop culture that fat people are losers who like to hang out together because somehow that makes us feel better. At least skinny people think that, and we shouldn’t burst their bubble.
So seriously, we’re all fat here, and we want to lose some weight for some reason or another. Maybe we want to look better, or be able to do more, or we don’t want to die 2-4 years earlier than our skinny friends (Because some amazing things are sure to happen to us in those last 2-4 years. Presidential Elections, senior discounts, advances in fiber sciences, etc…). And at one point or another, fat people want to find something that works when it comes to weight loss. Well friends, I’m here to share an amazing secret with you – the answer is, seriously, cupcakes.Cupcakes, if you’re not familiar with them (and who are we kidding – you and I are fat – we know damn well what cupcakes are), are little pieces of joy. Cake, which is amazing, topped with frosting, which is awesome. Amazing awesomeness, with sprinkles. Ask anyone if they want a cupcake, and unless they aren’t hungry and/or a horrible human being they’re highly likely to say yes. Cupcakes are sold wherever bakery items are created, with whole stores devoted to them in larger cities. And here’s the most awesome part – on my diet, you get to eat cupcakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
This diet is dead simple to remember (har har – if you do this you won’t be dead for 2-4 years longer!). All you need to do is remember this simple rule: 1 + 1 + 1 (and another 1). Eat a cupcake for breakfast (any sort you want, perhaps even the cupcake’s illegitimate child, the muffin), a cupcake for lunch, and a cupcake for dinner. Maybe even have 2 for dinner. Or save another for dinner. You get 1 + 1 + 1 (and another 1) each day! And you get as much diet cola as you want! The diet is THAT SIMPLE!
Now you’ll notice that none of the so-called “bad” food is included in this diet. You’ve heard of “transfats”, which despite the name are not fats that have changed gender. Transfats are really bad – and they’re not in cupcakes! Know what else isn’t in cupcakes? Cholesterol! Cupcakes include only natural things, like butter, and chocolate, and sprinkles.
Plus I don’t have any strange requirements on this diet. No crazy rules to remember (Well, other than 1 + 1 + 1 (and another 1)), no weird points to recall, and best of all, it’s really cheap. Even fancy places only charge $2.75 a cupcake – which means your entire daily food intake costs only $11! Try going out to any restaurant and getting an entire day’s food for only $11! And consider the savings …
- You’ll be able to speed up weekly grocery shopping – hell, don’t even go to a grocery store, just go to a bakery. Preferably one with a rewards program – you’re going to be there a lot.
- You don’t need any of those crazy condiments, sauces, or additives for food. Throw that junk out and make more space in the fridge for your cola (Just don’t put the cupcakes in there – they’ll get hard)
- You’ll be a happier person without having to worry about “what am I going to eat tonight?”.
- Your drinking habit will virtually vanish since alcohol tends to include calories.
So that’s it – go out and buy your cupcakes now. Also on my diet you can drink as much diet cola as you want. Water is OK too, but I’m thinking you’ll want diet cola just because it tastes differently than cupcakes. If it’s got 0 calories, it’s fine on my diet!
The Science Behind This Amazing Diet
Science is your friend in all things, except organized religion and politics – those are beyond the realm of understanding by rational people. Fortunately, the science behind the Cupcake Diet is very simple.
So, as we’ve established before, the Cupcake Diet can be easily remembered by the 1 + 1 + 1 (and another 1) rule. You get 4 cupcakes a day. Your friends (and those funded by your tax dollars, if you’re a US resident and not a criminal) at the USDA tell us that your average 4.5 oz cupcake is only 393 calories! Your 4 cupcakes a day are only 1,572 calories! Couple that with all the diet cola you want, and WOW – you’re eating less calories than the average woman needs daily to stay healthy! You’re going to lose weight – the average couch potato woman burns 1600 calories doing nothing more than watching TV!
And it is as simple as that – eat less than you burn and you’ll start burning fat. It might take awhile (Feel free to cut out a cupcake if you want to accelerate the process, just eat at least 3 to stay healthy!). Plus Cupcakes have some great nutritional qualities – they have more protein, carbohydrates, and fiber than fat! Plus you get caffeine (3 whole milligrams!). Cupcakes are truly God’s food.
Totally Real Testimonials
All the happy people who have tried this diet are too damn busy to tell me how awesome it worked. So you’ll just have to take my word for it. I stand by my assertion that if you eat only 1572 calories of cupcakes a day, and you burn more than 1572 calories a day, you’ll probably lose weight.
References & Credits
What?!? You’re actually reading this part? Damn… OK. I guess you can know my sources.
- I know you’re gonna die 2-4 years earlier from this page: www.newscientist.com/article/dn16790-mild-obesity-takes-years-off-your-life.html
- Here’s where I got the price for cupcakes: www.charmcitycupcakes.com/faq.htm
- I got the USDA information from ndb.nal.usda.gov/ndb/foods/show/5767 – such an easy to remember URL right?
- I got the daily caloric info for a healthy woman from those folks with the ubiquitous wristbands. www.livestrong.com/article/360444-daily-recommended-caloric-intake-for-women/
- I also got some info from this page on those folks website: www.livestrong.com/article/319345-average-calories-burned-naturally-per-day/
- Man, those livestrong people have some cool stuff on their website: www.livestrong.com/article/414731-will-eating-less-calories-than-you-eat-burn-fat/
- I used this great site named cooltext.com (guess their web address) to generate the logo.
Listen – I’m a real Dr. in the sense that I earned that “Dr.” in front of my name by spending years of my life in school. But my degree is in experimental psychology. I don’t have a practice, I don’t see clients, and I definitely don’t want you to think I’m an expert on really anything other than how to write something funny. You shouldn’t do anything diet, exercise, or health wise that me or anyone else that isn’t your doctor tells you to do. Ever. Let me repeat that – Don’t follow my advice, OK? It might be bad. I’m just a fat idiot. (Then again, look at the qualifications of some of my diet-book-writing peers – they’re might be idiots too!)
The whole point of this is to tell you, simply, that fad diets are probably not that special. If you restrict yourself to eating only certain foods, you’ll likely eat less food (because you can’t eat some of the things you’d otherwise want to). And if you burn more calories than you take in, your body will get the point and start burning your fat reserves (Unless you have a medical condition – you should see another type of Dr. for that). And yes, your body might fight this – so keep up your usual activity level and maybe even exercise a bit (I mean, you’ll have a lot more time since you’re not grocery shopping as much).
And above all, be well and happy. Whether this is done by eating cupcakes or reading funny pamphlets, I wish you luck on this journey.