Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

	The Metro asks if the ghost of a dog scored against England, reminds everyone why this paper has to be given away free	(1)
	Flight attendant lands plane after pilot's mental breakdown. I guess he never got over Macho Grande	(71)
	Michigan is afraid that the demise of the big 3 car makers would spell doom for the uh... thriving... tourism. In other news, bwahahahaha	(55)
	Pennsylvania DOT announces plans to repair viaduct, causing potentially long detours for thousands. Residents heard asking "Viaduct? Why a no chicken?"	(22)
	Oregon town's mayor-elect transfixing national attention with a "purple top revealing impressive cleavage, with a tight black miniskirt, flowing red locks" (with hot pic)	(92)
	Drew is helping his buddy Twitch from Z103 in Lex raise donations for kids this xmas. If you're near the Big K on Nicholasville, stop on by and say hi from 8-10am. Bring some toys too. Listen live via the link	(8)
	♫ He's just a Sk8er Boi, no one you would employ, hiding cocaine in his boards. He's looking really pale, 'cause he's going to jail, where he'll learn to swallow swords ♪	(19)
	Paris Hilton: Open for business	(47)
	The Last Boy Scout. The Sun is there	(24)
	Photoshop this bodacious bathing machine	(32)
	Remember guys, "separated" just means she's not in the room with you right now. Woman wants half of lotto prize won by her husband she separated from in 1982	(78)
	Barking mad German cops set new standards in stakeout technology: tree suits	(26)
(Daily Comet)	It's one thing to get upset at a neighbor who complains about your sister's smelly pets. It's entirely another to don a full Nazi WWII uniform, stuff it with ammo, and arm yourself with a 8mm Mauser to settle things	(34)
	Hugh Jackman named "sexist man alive", "best porn name"	(129)
	Glasses? Check...Lawnmower? Check...Bullet catching cellphone? Check. With dented cell phone pic	(58)
	Not news: woman dies after being struck by car. Fark: at three miles per hour	(68)
(PhillyBurbs)	Bad day: You're a police officer charged with sexually assaulting three young girls. Incredibly bad day: While searching your house, investigators stumble across your stash of homemade cow sex videos	(139)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 185: "The Inept Farktographer" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme	(201)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

	Coroner's inquest into man who cut off his own head with chainsaw is complete; turns out he died by cutting off his own head with chainsaw	(84)
	Hey Lance, you know who else only had one ball?	(84)
(Some Guy)	Prison chess: NJ inmates vs. Princeton students. Don't drop the pawn	(40)
	The greatest conspiracy theories in history. In other news, skeptics of manmade global warming are now "conspiracy theorists."	(431)
	Apparently the Pied Piper was a fake because Hamlin, Germany is still infested with rats	(40)
	Instead of giving a man a speeding ticket, officer swipes his Xbox 360	(111)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this wall-hugger	(71)
(Some Chick)	Seven cheerleaders indicted for hazing. Don't haze me, ho's	(270)
	An expert says people diagnosed with chronic illness tend to get angry	(121)
	National newspaper runs out of ideas for Somali pirate images, runs music piracy images instead	(111)
(via Romanesko)	Newspaper publisher graciously offers ink-stained wretches jobs parking cars at his private Christmas party	(121)
	Woman only remembers Sean Connery's voice. And that Indiana was the name of the dog	(99)
	DOW falls below 8,000 for the first time since 2003. EVERYBODY PANIC	(525)
	After you've been thrown out of the taxi for asking the driver to take you and your assault rifle down to the White House, the next step probably shouldn't be to try and catch the train	(135)
	Sheriff's department apologize after undercover deputies tase pallbearer at funeral	(117)
(Journal Times)	Magician predicts headlines two months in advance and tape records them. Will be listened to in front of an audience. If he's wrong, each person gets $100. If he's right, he should still get a real job	(138)
(MLive)	Ann Arbor does one better than the Nebraska Drop Off Program-They have one for Felons	(55)
(Some Guy)	Tucker Max thinks his unfinished movie can open as well as a movie that hasn't released yet, tests limits of unfounded ego and narcissism	(341)
	Final reminder: NJ Fark Party @ Surf Taco in Jackson this Saturday	(115)
	If you've been giving naked bearhugs to joggers in Bucks County, put some clothes on man, it's 30 degrees out. Oh yeah, the police would also like a word with you	(47)
	Michelle Obama to be featured in comic book marking the first time she has been proud of Captain America	(252)
(LA Weekly)	Who's got hockey tickets and a brand-new column and knows how to modulate deflector shield frequencies? This guy	(104)
	When traveling to speak before Congress about how your company doesn't have enough money to stay afloat, flying there in your private luxury jet probably isn't the best way to make your case look legit	(468)
(Some Guy)	"Sorry, bro", "My bad", and "Duude" are not acceptable responses when you are a drunk college student who started the California wildfires with a bonfire	(113)
	Welcome to Costco. Appliances are over there, kitchen items over there, and the grapes with black widow spiders in them are on aisle 12	(201)
(Some Guy)	Turkey price war begins in Ohio. I hear some radio station is giving them away. Just look for the helicopter over the mall parking lot. God as my witness	(128)
	Once again the MSM focuses on the truly needy in today's tough economy: Read the heart-wrenching tales of underwater stock options, $600,000 houses, and cancelled horseback riding lessons	(122)
(DC Examiner)	Accomodating the eleventy billion people who will attend Barack Obama's inauguration will bankrupt DC city government financially, which perfectly complements their current ethical bankruptcy	(200)
	Californians won't let things like monthly forest fires stop them from rebuilding in high risk, drought-ridden areas. Not when the government is picking up the tab	(123)
	"Prostitute users face clampdown." Presumably for an extra payment	(64)
	Supermarket employee plays 'Killing In The Name Of' on in-store CD player. Overblown moral outrage on aisle four, please	(371)
(tmj4)	A postal worker is caught smoking crack in her mail truck. Why, yes, it is Milwaukee.... how did you know?	(97)
(Some Guy)	"Inmate gets $300,000 for evaporating genitals"	(88)
	When West Virginia State Police denied having a ticket quota, they mean't they didn't have a single, uniform, statewide ticket quota. Each troop has a slightly different quota	(104)
	Photoshop this scarecrow	(50)
	As if losing your baggage wasn't bad enough, airline loses elderly passenger in wheelchair. US Airways "Our bad, but hey...at least Gramma got a free trip to Puerto Rico."	(25)
	Westminster council officials fire the next volley in the War on Christmas, ban department store from playing carols because they're deemed "noise pollution"	(134)
	Any story that leads off "cleaning his gun" and "drinking double shots of vodka" is sure to end in tragedy	(279)
(Some Guy)	The team behind a plan to open Chicago's first public high school aimed at gay and lesbian students pulled the plug today when they finally realized that there might be a slippery slope in that idea somewhere	(227)
(tmj4)	Guy's house and land fall into lake when dam breaks. Asks for compensation. Told he owns the dam and may owe millions of dollars. Dam	(77)
	Newly released cockpit recordings from Blink-182 plane crash add nothing, but do give AP a chance to retell whole story as news	(28)
	Oh it's ON now. Apparently unaware of the average lifespan of people in his position, Al-qaeda's latest #2 calls Obama the Arabic equivalent of a "house negro"	(272)
(Some Guy)	Law mandating porn stores to close on state holidays ruled unconstitutional	(50)
	Remember when you used to punch your friend on the arm for each year of the birthday he was celebrating? Yeah, that's illegal now, too	(52)
	Old and busted: "The dog ate my homework". New hotness: "The Russians hacked into my computer"	(15)
	♫ When you go for a swim and something bites your limb, that's a moray ♪	(100)
	The automaker bailout is like giving a shaky alcoholic another bottle. He's gonna die eventually, you're just postponing it. Cut him off and send him to rehab now	(239)
	Cleveland doctor who claimed Elvis was alive and he was treating him may have DNA evidence to prove it. Don't worry, if wrong the King was just seen at the Lumberjack Festival in Wolverine, MI where he was the anchor on the tug-of-war team	(36)
(NYSE)	Gene Simmons rings the opening bell at NYSE with his tongue	(137)
	Leaders upset that due to its large swinger community, Tampa will now see more ads for websites for people who want to have affairs. Apparently they've never heard of MySpace	(43)
	Cancel the Thanksgiving plans, grandma's in prison again	(24)
	It's wise to take the bus home after attending a gourmet wine and food festival. Just not in the driver's seat	(7)
	Never hire a guy named pancake to move your double-wide	(91)
	Republican senator on U.S. auto makers: "I don't think they have immediate plans to change their model, which is a model of failure."	(292)
	Harlem woman opens up extra-large can of whoopass on three teenage subway muggers. Law enforcement source: "She is one bad-ass mama"	(154)
(WYFF4.com)	Three women arrested for stealing $465 worth of underwear (with "Do Not Want" picture trifecta)	(87)
	We looked. Then we saw him. Step in on the mat. We looked. And we saw him. Take his cat with a bat	(69)
(Some Guy)	Man faces drug charges for peddling cookie dough and Orajel as crack, not realizing that Girl Scout thin mint cookies are already classified that way	(28)
	Indians sink pirates. Wait... what?	(323)
	Are you a woman with a big brother? Blame him for your barren, dusty womb	(68)
	First panels of the Jonestown memorial wall unveiled. Giant anthropomorphic glass pitcher seen lurking in background, biding his time	(104)
	Connecticut town falls for the old "Coming Soon Titti City - Adult entertainment" sign on the door gag	(33)
	Atheists enter the holiday greeting card market. "Reason's Greetings," everyone	(633)
(The Herald)	"Man caught with penis in pasta jar" That's a spicy meataball	(76)
	So you want to be a Mountie? Be prepared for a polygraph test in which you'll be asked whether you've had sex with animals, the worst thing you've done while drunk, and if you've ever seriously thought about committing suicide	(83)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this fist	(49)
	If you want to be a successful carjacker you need to learn to drive a standard	(92)
	Sorority girls become suspicious of self-defense instructor after he encourages them to gently rub his groin to escape a rear hold. Bonus: Girl-on-girl recreation of incident	(81)
	Star Trek Trailer Meets Smallville	(101)
	Ted Stevens' re-election hopes go down the tubes	(253)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

	Lithuanian parliament names Arunas Valinskas as its speaker. This is equivalent to Howard Stern being named Speaker of the House	(55)
	Experts want to lift taboo on nursing home sex despite the ensuing increase in mental bleach need	(76)
	Astronette lubricating joint experiences eruption, prematurely lets go of sack. Climax of mission so far	(50)
	Couple discover as RV vacation in Florida with their pampered kangaroo and crippled goat wasn't what they were hoping for	(43)
	A Texas grand jury has indicted Vice President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on charges related to the alleged abuse of prisoners. 62 more shopping days for Bush pardons	(138)
	Even if he's calling your girlfriend "bad names," don't get in a fight with a guy who wears a meat cleaver as a necklace	(63)
(CW McCall)	Trucker crushed by 70,000 pounds of rocks. Would it be any better if he had been hauling 70,000 pounds of feathers?	(96)
	It's National Geography week and a survey says US kids couldn't find their asses with both hands	(90)
	Woman treats head lice with highly combustible fuel, heats water with an open flame. Lice is now least of her problems	(29)
	Parents angry that a school board member sent a student a 'tough love' note complete with a line about a drop-out last seen at a convenience store "asking customers for money for wine and offering (oral sex) for money."	(51)
	The first rule of Pet Fit Club: you need to be 96% overweight cat. (with pic of fat-a** cat)	(64)
	Renting out your home to some stranger for the Obama inauguration, sure sounds like a great idea	(46)
	Hard-hitting journalism: "Bush and Clinton fit into the expectations of what earlier generations thought a president's wife should look like. Obama has the opportunity to break the mold."	(82)
(Some Dumb Guy)	News: Prisoner escapes from Kentucky jail. Fark: Returns the same day, rings bell, and begs to come back in	(33)
	Why in 1770, if you had toothache, your best bet was to get totally hammered: 'Take astringent liquors'. If that didn't work, 'break the teeth into order by means of a strong pair of crooked pliers'	(90)
	Apparently the global recession has hit heaven	(38)
	The perfect phone call should last nine minutes and 36 seconds. (Bonus pic cap)	(75)